Curled up in bed this morning watching the sea with the ever adorable Oscar snoozing at my feet I can't help but feel thankful for all that I have. For so long I wanted what is right in front of me and I thought I had to “play the game” in order to get it. I fought with myself over and over, I cried ridiculous amounts and in the fury that often accompanies your 20's I betrayed myself over and over again. On one of my favourite podcasts recently the host asks the question if you would rather have 10 million in your bank tomorrow or to go back to when you were 18 with everything that you know now what would you do? I love these “time travel” type questions. To be honest I think I'd stay put and get the 10 million. My life is too sweet right now and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. All of the pain I went through, albeit most was self inflicted; it brought me step by step to where I am today. There's still room for me to grow and things I want to do. I still have goals and dreams I'm working towards but I've realised that that will never be any different. For as long as we are alive we are expanding into more expressive versions of ourselves. I love where I am and I love where I am going and most importantly I love where I've been.
I've spoken a lot about forgiveness and it's an often tricky situation to try and navigate. When someone has hurt you our victim based culture affords us the rights and accompanying swear words to lash out and seek revenge. But does revenge really serve? The more I look at it recently I am beginning to understand that revenge is simply forgiveness distorted through the lens of the ego. Forgiving someone is rooting yourself squarely in the lesson they taught you and allowing it to eclipse the pain of the experience. Sometimes we withhold forgiveness as an act of aggression. We think that the longer we don't forgive someone that we are somehow hurting them. The truth of it is with holding forgiveness only ever really hurts us. Seeking to hurt another persons energy really is like putting poison in your own mouth and expecting the other person to die. It's important that we learn to forgive, to learn, to surrender and to not be defined by the boundaries of our pain but by the fierce nature of our courage. I have had to do a lot of forgiving in my time and I still have a way to go in some areas but most of it now is forgiving myself.
I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have spoken out of turn. I have betrayed confidences and thought ill thoughts. I have acted selfishly and not even considered the consequences of my actions. Learning to cultivate an attitude of gentle reverence for my own learning process is something that I am actively creating. I can be too hard on myself, too relentless in my own demands and expectations. I know that with each step forward into this loving tapestry that I call my life I will have to acknowledge these facets of my experience and lovingly surrender them. I've come so far and I am the happiest ai have ever been. Forgiveness has made the life I have right now possible. In some ways I feel like I am at the end of a long journey and in others I feel like I am taking the first step. I recommend all of you look within to see what you are holding onto. Who have you not forgiven? Where could be more fogiving towards yourself? Take some time to relax into these questions and see what comes up for you.
Thank you,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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p.s. So which is it, the 10 million or the restart?