The sun sinks behind the sea as the earth turns sending me into another candlelit delicious evening. I'm curled up by my salt rock lamp as tiny spatters of rain hit the window I'm looking out of. I am every part a caricature of a writer from every film I've ever seen, all that's missing is Jazz playing in the background or the morally liberal mindset of Sex and the City. Under a blanket on the chair I can't help but feel my busy mind run circles around itself. I'm a little harsh with myself this evening. You see I was brought up, like most of you, in a mindset that just doesn't fit the world today. We were all taught that if you worked hard and applied yourself that you would get what you wanted. When we got out into the world we discovered just how wrong that teaching is. Hard work opens doors yes but it certainly doesn't guarantee you getting what you want. It's like we have so many opportunities now that we can't help but see them as distractions and it's one area of my ego that I have to be very watchful of. I catch myself thinking “ I should be further along my path by now. I should be more successful, more financially abundant, more...just more.”. I know when I get like this I am in my ego. I look around the bedroom and see my boyfriend doing his creative crafts and the dog sleeping by his feet. We are warm, fed and under a roof. I take a long deep breath and smile. What more IS there to want?
The key to happiness for me is to learn to keep things simple. To look at the world simply. To be grateful for what is in front of me. That's not to say that it's wrong to dream, that's the place real desire is born from but to beat yourself up for where you are is just not helpful. Not even a little bit. Learning to be gentle with myself is an ongoing process and from what I am seeing it's the same with everyone I talk to. I have to actively reconnect with the balance at my centre and the love in my life. It's how I tell the difference between revelling in the discomfort of outgrowing a space that I am currently in and recognising it as a platform to jump further into the love that is around me. You can't create a new life for yourself if you are lamenting in the old one. The thing is I love my life, I really do but it's O.K to love your life and still want more things. The adventure and growth is a major part of it all. You don't have to demonise what you are currently in to ask for something else but you can acknowledge that you are ready to love it in a new way.
I stay in my chair and decide to meditate. An extra 15 minutes is all it takes before the brain chatter loses it's grip on me and I can sink back into the delicious moment that is my evening. I remind myself that the Universe responds to vibration, not effort. I don't need to work myself to pieces to get where I want to go. I remind myself that I am built out of love for the purpose of loving and being loved. I remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be and that where I am is also an illusion. The sum of my energy has already become everything that I ever wanted and my work is to learn to love where I am more deeply. I remind myself that I love the adventures that pop up in my life and I love where I am right now. The rain picks up and the wind starts to blow stray pieces of trash across the street. I can see the boats flickering on the sea in the distance and the lighthouse starts it's rhythmic lightshow to keep them guided and safe. Stu puts a cup of tea in front of me and kisses me on the forehead. My life is perfect, expanding, ever changing and also exactly where I want it to be.
Thank you for reading.
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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