The working day had ended and a familiar stabbing pain pulsed through my head. Instinctively I drew the curtains of my bedroom and popped a few pills to try and stave off the oncoming waves of pain. Oscar always seems to know when they hit and doesn't push too much for any walks. I was just sick of this. Weeks and weeks of them. Whilst I could cope with the pain it's the few days of complete exhaustion afterwards that always seemed to make me feel emotionally worse. Still, I would not give in. There were times when I wanted to close down my business and times when I was so tired I didn't know my arse from my elbow and I could feel it. A lingering black on the edges of my day to day life. Not a depression as such, more an invitation to renounce any and all responsibility for my life. I know it sounds weird when I talk about it like this but that really is what it feels like. I got stuck in a pattern of being tired so much that I started whining intentionally and emotionally just checking out, even when I had the internal resources to show up. Victim hood is a part of all of us and if you deny then you're most likely knee deep in it as we speak. There are times when we all need a good moan but if that's how you start your day then you're in trouble. Thankfully I have this weird little sign between me and the Universe when I get off track in that manner. Whenever I allow myself to sink into victim hood, even if it has a legitimate cause I always start to manifest bullies into my life.
It's weird. I'll get a mean client ring me up or a horrible person will cross my path. It's like the Universe joins in. If I'm going to disrespect my own energy then that's what shows up at my door, sometimes literally. It's the basis of the Universe, like attracts like, if I am going to betray my energy by acting as if I am at the mercy of all the ravages of the world then of course that's what shows up. Victim hood is the energetic infantilisation of your spirit. You are literally rejecting the idea that your life if your own. I firmly believe that there is always something you can do in any situation. I am also an advocate of complete, energetic, personal responsibility. Now unfortunatley we live in a culture right now where sadly the opposite tends to be exhaulted. In our attempt to help people who are legitimately in need of help we so often trip up on our own compassion and fall head first into our own entitlement. We sweep the rug out from under those that need help by fostering a stunted mindset. It's just another way that the ego creates a heirarchy. I try my best at every turn to see every human being for the powerful, empowered manifestational boss that they are. You may not be able to do everything you need or want to do right this very minute but you can start small. I really do think that no matter where you are, no matter how dark things seem, that there is always something you can do to improve the situation.
Your life is on your shoulders. No one is coming to save you. It is up to you to ask for help. It is up to you to effectively communicate your needs. It is up to you to seek and find wonder in the world around you. Fatigue, depression, heartache, these are just a few of the experiences I've had that I've had to learn to find the light inside of. It's not been easy and I know I can't really delve into it in a three paragraph blog but I can let you know that my life didn't change until I decided it had to. Some days the only thing I could do to improve my life was make a list of things I wanted to do. Some days it was have a shower and eat something. Step by step, decision by decision I started to get a handle on my energy and soon enough I found my way. Sometimes I have to find my way again, but it always starts and ends with me. What am I going to do? Ask and it is given. Karma. Dharma. Law of attraction. However your phraze it there is something in the Universe that responds to the energy you allow within your own body. So with that in mind, what are you allowing? What decision do you need to make? Where do you want to be? Decide now, sometimes that's enough.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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