I remember the silent insistence I used to have. I remember the almost arrogant mandate I would place on the people I loved. I remember the chaos, the slammed doors, the screams, the rantings, the betrayals of confidence and every negative situation you could imagine that would take place within a relationship exploding around me. The language of love I had learned at the time was give to get. If I did something for you and that wasn't returned I was sure to let you know about it. I played the victim and the martyr interchangeably and I was sure that this was how it was all supposed to work out. At the time I didn't know what I was doing. I had been in this space for so long that it was all normal. It was all I had seen and all I had learned about relationships. In hindsight I cringe at some of the things I said and I even sometimes still feel a deep sadness over the person I used to be. At the root of it all, every action and reaction had a common root. I was begging to be loved.
You will never find a more transformative platform for personal growth than you will within your relationships to other human beings. Particularly romantic ones. Choosing the right partner for you, if you choose at all is a process that can and often does have far reaching effects. There is a certain cultural mould of what love should look like, feel like and behave like and I have watched so much genuine love die because of it being forced into one of these moulds. I have also watched these moulds be perfectly achieved to hide the fact that there is no love at it's centre. Love is a fluid energy and it cannot be contained. The biggest nail in the coffin in any relationship is expecting the other person to make you feel loved and/or happy. I lived life that way for a while and it just doesn't work out. Even when my partners would tell me they loved me I would convince myself that it wasn't true because I didn't feel it. The truth was I didn't feel it because I hadn't taken the time to learn how to love myself.
If your realtionship is going off course it will suit you well to first identify what you feel like you are not getting. As soon as you have figured that out, start the process of giving that to yourself. If you don't feel loved, start to love yourself. If you don't feel considered, consider yourself. If you don't feel passionate then reconnect with the passion in your heart. Things only really get fixed from the inside out. As soon as that energy is balanced one of two things will happen, either your relationship will rise to meet you where you currently are or you will find someone else on that wavelength. When I first figured this out it had a huge effect on my life. I was so worried that I was going to lose the people I loved but as soon as I started to love myself I have to admit I was glad to see the back of a few of them. The more I learned a new language of self care and self actualisation more and more people on that level joined me and eventually that little blond ball of fluff that is my fiance turned up and the rest is just history. Your life is born of you. The energy you carry within is the enrgy you use to shape your world. Take care of what's going on within you first before you start to try and shape what's happening around you.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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