It was 4am and I was wide awake again. I crawled out of bed into the cold morning and made my way to the kitchen. Back then my kitchen had a large rocking chair tucked by the fire. I made myself a cup of tea, wrapped the welsh blanket my friend Christine had bought me around myself and sat there. I was too numb to cry, too exhausted to think so, I rocked back and forth gently sipping tea hoping that God would finally listen to my prayers and soon everything would be magically “reset”. Of course it wasn't, it couldn't. That's simply not how the world works. I had to get up in a few hours to face another day with my lifeless relationship, my lacklustre career, my creative dreams crumbling around me, my venemous “friendships”, numerous power plays, overwhelming mental chaos and I had to do it all with a mind that felt like it was coming apart. I felt it in my gut, this weight that seemed to pull me in 5 different directions all at once and what was more disconcerting was that it was so familiar. My entire life was a lie. I can spot a brave face at 20 paces because I lived so long behind one. Finally and thankfully, I broke.
I lit a candle and instead of praying I did something that was foreign to me at that time in my life. I asked the Universe what she wanted from me. Everything I had been reading said that I was loved, built of love and was born to experience love so I couldn't figure out why my life hurt so much. Looking back I can see that I wasn't praying but that for the first time since my childhood I had entered the space of prayer, which I have learned is something totally different. I kept saying to the Universe “Use me.”, “I'm ready”, “I'll do what you sent me here to do.” and more importantly, “Thank you!”. It was 2005 and I was more depressed, more anxious than I had ever been. Little did I know that that night I had set into effect a chain reaction that was about to “reset” my life... by resetting me. I had built my life upon a lie. That lie was that I wasn't worth much. I wasn't worth protecting, I wasn't worth being loved, I wasn't worth joy, happiness, all of it. Whatever good life had to offer I felt at a deep level that I wasn't worthy of it to the point where if something good did finally break through the energetic barrier I set up I would be suspicious of it. Thankfully the space of prayer is the answer to prayer itself. I had finally stopped asking for the things I thought I wanted and was ready to be a vessel for whatever I incarnated to do.
As you can imagine my life swiftly fell apart. It was as if God bulldozed everything in it's way. The following year I woke up. Really, truly woke up. My relationship collapsed, my career collapsed, my friendships imploded, I nearly had to move back home but finally I felt awake. I felt like I was present in my life in a way I had never been before. I had no idea then about the journey that I was about to go on. Even though this wouldn't be the last time the Universe upturned my life from that point on I had begun a different relationship with the world around me. I started to heal myself, work on the wounds of my past and dare I say for the first time I really began to believe that I was worthy of the life I was experiencing. I deserved all the joy the world had to offer and more importantly I was going to go out and get it. I don't think I've ever worked as hard on myself as I did in those first few years. Before that time I knew how to use the Universe as some sort of catalogue. I asked for something and nine times out of ten it would arrive but that was the first time I really experienced the Universe as a vessel of unrelenting light. I got out of my own way and aligned with the most real, most truthful, most loving part of myself.
When our lives go wrong it is often because we aren't telling ourselves the whole truth about what is happening. It's not technically a lie but it's not the whole truth either. What are you not telling yourself about the real you? What are you afraid to admit? One of my favourite quotes is by Marianne Williamson and she says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure”. So, what powerful, life transforming truth about yourself are you running from? You are loved. You are built of love. You are worthy. You deserve to work towards the best of who you are. You can get there. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are a success because you breathe. You deserve greatness.
Thank you,
Big Love,
Ryan James x