“Friendship is just two people not being God together.”
- Glennomn Doyle
Friendship is a spiritual practice. It is the capacity to show up, in love and with love for the person you are in friendship with. It is the ability to show up when they need, push at times, hold back at times and discover the unfiltered truth of who you are, together. Friendship is also a place of deep joy. It's a place where you laugh the most. Your friends are the ones who celebrate, commiserate, investigate and when you get lost they remind you of who you are. Your friends are your champions, your support systems and the people you willingly go the extra mile for. You cry with them and for them. They are your chosen family.
I have to admit I have found friendship an extremely difficult practice to not only master but also to understand. In fact I think friendship has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn. I am by nature quite a solitary person. I have the capacity for a joyful and monastic life. The only thing that balances that out or exists alongside it, is my deep love of people. My pattern over the years has been leaping out of my delightful deep quiet and into something that looks vaguely like friendship but, that has usually ended me up with me looking after someone in a way that is not reciprical. So many of my friendships over the years have been purely transactional. Give to get. Some of my friendships have been toxic and some, unfortunately have been almost lethal.
I have been in so many toxic situations over the years from being an emotional punchbag for someones pain, a surrogate boyfriend, a surrogate parent/child, counsellor, dial-a-psychic, someone to call when you're bored, someone to put away when you can't be bothered. All of it. In my younger years I was always left consoling someone who had their heart hurt at a party that I wasn't invited to. And though it pains me to admit it, for years I showed up eagerly for all of it. I got the wrong job description when it came to friends. I treated it like an extention of my work where I put myself predominantly in the role of healer. I shouldn't then have been hurt or surprised when that's all that people wanted from me. Friendship cannot exist without vulnerability. You have to show up open hearted and honest.
I learned my mistakes in friendship the hard way which is why I work hard at the friendships I have now. I have rules of conduct for how people have to show up in my circle and I have rules for myself.
That's really the first step in the spiritual practice of friendship. Boundaries. The second. Turn up with your heart open. Speak the truth and make sure that you are with people you can laugh, grow and be in integrity with. Who do you think of calling in an emergency AND who do you want to celebrate good news with? Who can you be absolutely honest with and who's honesty can you handle? There really is so much I can write about friendships, it's a hige topic, way more than I can fit into a small blog but, it is so often over looked in spiritual circles.
Some friendships burn bright for a summer, some simmer for years, some last a season of your life, some circle back around, some explode never to be revisited ever again. What I do know is that friendship is a mirror. It can show you who you have been, who you are and who you are becoming. If you're lucky, you'll find someone who will show you all three.
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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