Saying no to others is sometimes saying yes to you.
It began slowly with me. First a friend needs help and of course, because you're a good person, you help. Then a family member needs some assistance and of course you lend your time and energy. You try to work in all of this around your job and you let your hobby go for a week or two. Before you know it you are managing five people's lives who, lets be honest, can do it for themselves and you can't remember the last time you had some alone time. You are so indoctrinated into giving your energy away that you actually feel awkward about saying “No.” to picking up someones shopping because they haven't finished watching their television programme. Then you to move forward with your life and you realise that you have subconsciously agreed to take care of everyone around you. You've become a parent, an emotional husband/wife to people who have, through your willing interaction, become energy vampires. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to feature in your own life. If you are spending all of your time picking up after people and running in circles then something is wrong. You are meant to enjoy your life, if you're not then it's time to sit down and figure out what's going wrong.
We don't like to upset people. I get that. But let's be honest, are most people in this type of situation worried about upsetting you? No. If you want to take care of yourself and take care of your energy then you are going to have to get used to the word no. If I said yes to every reading someone wanted at the drop of a hat, in a bar, in the aisle at Tesco or people who text me like dial-a-psychic I would be so exhausted that I wouldn't have the focus to do what I am here to do. My day job would suffer, my relationship would suffer and most importantly it would uproot me from feeling good. I can't do anything if I am not taking care of myself and if people around me don't understand that then they don't get to exist in my space. Like I've said many times before learning to love at arms length is one of the hardest yet most valuable lessons I've ever learned. You are the foundation of your life, if you aren't taking care of you then no one else will, mainly because no one else knows how to. Self care is a language you teach yourself.
So before you wake up inside a life that is exhausting before you've even left your bed, try finding some time to regroup. Find a daily routine that puts you at the centre of your own experience. The first time you do this expect fall out. There's no real way to avoid that. People that have been living off your energy will act like angry addicts. But there's a silver lining, you'll also see people who have your back. You will find people you were previously too exhausted to notice and they will become your champions. These are the people who celebrate every time you decide to do something that feels good to you. Collect these people, they are like precious gems. I am grateful to say I have a handful of them in my life and even though we don't always see as much of each other as much as I would like I love seeing them sink into the best version of themselves and I know that the feeling is mutual. These are also the people who will lovingly pull you to one side if you go off path. We all need champions like this but you first have to be your own champion. Teach yourself how to shine your light and then watch as others rise to match it.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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