I pulled the blankets over my head and tried everything I could to will myself back to sleep. That's all I wanted to do. I ate just enough to keep me going and a good day was not having a panic attack. I had no idea at the time that I was dealing with depression. It really is everything they say. A life in slow motion. Diseased thinking, diseased behaviours and as a result I had diseased boundaries that welcomed all kinds of numpty's into my life. I presented myself as a doormatt, a punch bag, a surrogate boyfriend/father figure, pretty much whatever you wanted from me I would try my best to provide all the while never asking for anything in return. Self care, self respect and a sense of value were not even words that I knew at that time and when I look back on it now I just want to reach back in time and grab that young man to give him a hug. My transformation into where I am today was not something that happened over night. Step by step, piece by piece I put myself back together. I realised that my depression was reactive, not clinical, meaning that it can resolve itself and through therapy and self reflection I managed to get myself to a place where I am today. I wake now most days not just happy but with positive expectation.
My journey to a right mind began with acknowledging and learning about value. What do I value? Who do I value? How am I going to safe guard what I hold true? One of the first things I learned on my road to self recovery was that I get to set the standards and rules for my own life. The deeper I delved the more I could see that what I thought was loving, caring for others, was actually an act of self betrayal because it came at the cost of my own dignity. I had to learn to start taking care of myself and really acknowledging what I felt about ever person I surrounded myself with. I decided to set a standard in my life based around a “love or above” principle. You had to bring a full heart to my space. That's not to say that people aren't allowed to be wounded or in a bad mood around me, we all have those moments but, the second you start to lash out, especially at me, you're out. The second you reclaim your energy and set a standard based around love in your life expect everything to implode. Yes, implode. People you considered your best friends will turn their backs and walk away from you, lovers will reveal their true selves, parents go crazy and jobs fall to pieces. That is a standard, normal consequence when you start to put you first. If you are there right now, it's O.K. After the initial shock and a little time alone something wonderful starts to happen.
You see quickly who really wants you to succeed and who has been “feeding” off your energy. You see who genuinely loves you and who is addicted to the drama of your situation. You begin to recognise more readily the energy of those who surround your life. You will also meet new people who will respond to the new level of good energy that you are putting out there. Some will come out of the wood work, some may have been sat next to you for years and suddenly you see them. It may take a while but you can build a life and family based on the principles of love. It took me a while but I got there eventually! You will have to learn to love some people at arms length and you will have to dowse your entire life in forgiveness. The quicker you forgive everyone for everything the quicker you are free of the energy entanglement. I made a few mistakes when creating this life and to be honest I'm probably not done making them, who is? The thing is now I turn my mistakes into lessons and I grow from them. I set the standard for how I want to feel and what kinds of people are welcome in my life. This journey taught me that I have not only the right but the duty to do that to create love on the planet and the same is true for you. You deserve love.
Thank you for listening,
big Love,
Ryan James x
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