I pulled the duvet off my body and dragged myself to the shower, readying myself for the day ahead. The usual heavyness that smothered my body from the inside out was present and the distant rumbling of chaos had yet to fill my mind but even in this mindless morning state I could feel it readying itself. Mechanically I got dressed, ate food and then went to University. There I would sit in a room full of people and feel more out of place than ever. I would notice how they all seemed to just breeze through their days. Their lives looked fun and interesting and I couldn't figure out how it was that they managed that when it took a mammoth effort for me just to get here. Every day this awful weight followed me around like an unwanted bully and no matter how much I smiled and got involved I always felt like I was just playing a role. I always felt like I was just not “one of them”. Frustration was a way of life and so was deep, unrelenting rage. I still bite my bottom lip in disbelief when I look back at that time in my life and just how angry I was. Angry at the world. Angry that I couldn't fit in. Angry that my life was the way that it was. I was just always so angry.
Of course I know now that all anger is pain. Instead of figuring out what you are angry about it's much more efficient to ask yourself the question, “What hurt you?”. Anger is a perfectly useful tool that is based in survival and reaction and it is of course the active space of all pain. It's the moment when the pain is so overwhelming that you have to shift into a different energy space to stay out of it. The problem with me was that I had lived like that for so long it had become normalized. I see it often in my clients and I think having had that experience myself I am able to recognise it more fully in others. Anger that perpetuates for that length of time in the body has a disasterous effect. Your immune system will start to plumet due to adrenal fatigue, you can manifest chronic fatigue, bowel issues, blood pressure issues, migraines, depression and a whole host of nervous system based illness' that can run rampant. You will also create abusive social dynamics, shoddy family relationships and you simply won't be emotionally available to anyone that asks you for real intimacy. That is the cost of holding onto your pain.
Surviving my own anger was tough. I personally think it was the reason my lungs used to collapse due to being so under weight, I think it was the reason I actively created pretty much everything I just mentioned, it was the root cause of everything I built in my twenties. It wasn't until I recognised that anger for the pain that it was that I started to unravel it at it's core. It took a while but after careful soul searching I actually began to find myself in the middle of all of that mess. I worked through the pain and surrendered it and de stabalised everything that was built on top of it. Once I let it go I found joy, peace, self respect, self care and eventually self love. Anger can be scary and it can lead us down some dark paths in our lives but if we learn to recognise it for the pain that it is we can stop it in it's tracks before it becomes a way of life. Anger is a stepping stone, not a destination. It is a way to release pain, not a lifestyle.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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