I remember waking up thinking, “This cannot be my life...”. It was yet another morning that required a grinding amount of effort to get my body out of bed to try and cut through enough mental chatter just to make it to the bathroom and start my morning routine. My body felt like a giant lump of meat and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what to do. Crying was normal at that time but then so was feeling nothing. I scraped my mind back over the details of my past and tried to remember the last time I felt alive, passionate and connected. I settled on the beginning of my then relationship and in that moment I put two and two together and came up with five. A diseased mind crippled by diseased thinking is not the best at self doctoring. Not only did I blame my significant other at the time for my unhappiness I also put the entire weight of my joy on top of his shoulders. It was a spiritually violent and unfair burden. To make it worse I hadn't even let him know what I was doing. The next thing to happen was the most obvious. The relationship imploded and after the adrenaline had settled and the survival instinct had died down settling my life back into a rhythm, there is was again. A heavy dead feeling that crept through my body from the ground up. Turns out the relationship wasn't the problem. I was.
I see it so often in clients, I see it in women who have almost completed raising their children and men who have lived a life that was expected of them rather than one where their needs are met. The healing always begins with the ego pointing outward. If you follow that way of thinking the state of your being will always be someone else's fault. What if your happiness, your joy, your light was a gift that you could only give to yourself? What if no one in the world can come in and prince charming you away to a palace of rainbows and calorie free cakes? Fixing any situation in your life always begins with the first step of reinventing your relationship with self love. For me it began with learning to get quiet. I started to slowly, piece by piece put myself back together. I had the pin drop silence realisation that I was wandering around on the planet spiritually empty. I had no love, no respect and no regard for my well being. As you can imagine that opened the door to me behaving beneath my integrity and allowing other in my life to do the same. You may not have had that experience as acutely as I did. Maybe it's more subtle in your life. Maybe your just a little apathetic on some days, a little judgmental on some days, a bit of a perfectionist on others. It's all the same energy. It's a tool to point you towards loving yourself more deeply.
Once I'd finally learned to put love in the centre of my life it changed everything. I began to grow as a person, mature and see my life in a completely different context. The foundation for every relationship I ever had or will have from that time has altered forever. These days if you do not come to me I the space of love then you don't show up at all. It's also not a one time deal. Learning to love yourself is not a checked box. You do it every day because who you are changes every day. What I used to do to make myself feel good isn't what I do today. In my romantic relationship today I don't ask anything of Stu other than to turn up in our relationship in the space of love and he asks that I do the same. That's all that's really needed I think. You can't force, coerce or manipulate someone into doing that. They have to come willingly into that space. If you are, at this moment in the middle of a relationship that feels lifeless then begin putting it back on track by putting you back on track. Where in your life are you not showing up in the space of love for yourself? Find that and the Universe will rise to meet you.
Thank you for reading.
Big Love,
Ryan James x
www.facebook.com/psychicswansea
p.s. Please like, comment and share my work so that we can help invite more people to the space of love within themselves.