The room spun around me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I just remember crying and crying, thinking that I would never stop. Alone. In my first apartment. Laying on the purple carpet my mum had bought for me, unable to pay rent, heart broken, mentally and spiritually exhausted and trying everything I could to get through the day. After I climbed out of that hole I quickly fell into another and another. I moved house more often than I could count, I lost more jobs than I knew what to do with and the aching loneliness that came with all of that just followed me everywhere. Rock bottom was not so much an experience as a lifestyle that seemed to cling to me. And here's the thing that is often left out of spiritual teachings, is that it's never a one time experience. Rock bottoms for all of their noise, glamour and drama are actually spiritual resets for your life. They are designed to hit you back on course. The more of them you experience the more you are able to develop a skill set to navigate them so that when they do turn up you will know what to do. Rock bottoms have been my biggest teachers and in hindsight I wouldn't change them for the world.
My experiences on this planet have taught me a great many things about myself and about the world around me. One of which is that I am a man of faith. When I was young and something impacted my life I would throw myself at it and the drama of it in the misguided understanding that it was my job to resolve it or sort it out. When the hits to my life became so big that there was literally nothing I could do I eventually did what I should have done from the very beginning, I prayed. Now when something impacts my life in a way that doesn't feel good instead of crying and wailing about it I do my best to sit with a candle and pray it out. I do my best to understand that it is not my job exclusively to fix or even intervene what is being rearranged within my life. It is my job to listen to what is being said to me, to be brave enough to accept it and then to take that gift and use it within my life. There is no end to pain on the planet. We all go through it at varying levels at many different points in our lives. Avoiding it is impossible. The more you learn to accept it and move forward the quicker you will come out the other side in the mould and shape that the universe has designed for you.
I consider myself very lucky in the discovery of my faith. You can call it God, Allah, Buddah, Beyonce for all I care, I'm not attached to any religion dominantly, but, I know, I experience and I trust in the consciousness of the world around me. It has guided me, lifted me, deconstructed me and made me into the best version of myself and it continues to do so. I exist inside a giant collaboration that is constantly communicating with me and constantly inviting me to play in the world. You do too! When our lives look like they are broken into a million little pieces around us that's not the time to scream and panic, that's the time to get quiet and let a force bigger than you take over. EVERY TIME I've done this it has worked. That doesn't mean emotionally checking out. It just means that you spend more time in prayer than you do in the chaos and hysteria of your experience. It means you spend more time listening to the world around you then you do reacting and avoiding the the pain infront of you. What is your life moulding you into? What is the lesson inside the experience? What is there to be grateful for? These are meditations that help unlock your experience so that you can figure out the root and bones of who you are. Take some time. Take some space and work on who you are becoming.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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