When the sun goes down and dusk sweeps over Swansea I curl up in bed with my diary on my lap. Stu is next to me watching re runs of tennis matches on his ipad and he finds one of his old wimbledon games when he used to be a linesman. Oscar is dog sleeping at the end of the bed and kicking his feet as he runs or chases something in his dreams. I've put some incense on and the candles are still lit from the power cut we had earlier. It's a beautiful end to another beautiful day. The migraine that seemed to bring with it a whole bunch of negative self chatter has finally subsided and I now sink into the deliciousness of the moment. I am so blessed. This little family of mine is a slice of heaven, a tonic for my soul and a place of deep healing. I start to flip through the pages of my diary and see that a year ago today I was pretty much doing the same thing. Sat in bed, curled up with my family. A thought flickers across my mind, “Are you moving forward with your life?” and I smile. Even in this state of bliss my ego is trying to quantify the moment. Judge it against others. As if doing the same thing day in and day out for the last few years is some sort of failure. For those of you who are not from my area and read my blog there is a sign on the ground when you enter Swansea that says, “Ambition is critical.”. I've never been comfortable with it and I think about it during times like this, only a fool is ambitious at the gates of heaven. Yes, Swansea is my little piece of heaven. It's where I love, dance, play and where all my favourite souls hang out. What else could it be?
As most of you know I like to live with a sense of progression. I think that the source of all life is continious expansion and I'd like to think that I align that with a sense of progress in my life. Of course I don't always end up in the sweet spot. I veer off course and end up somewhere in perpetual business but thankfully I don't stay there too long any more. When I look really far back, that used to be my life and now it's this. Curled up, quiet, listening for the space in between each thought. I have been freaking out a little at the idea of turning 40. I know it's a few years off yet but it's close enough to catch my eye. It's weird to witness within your own mind the amount of ageism that we absorb on our journeys. I've caught myself saying things like, “I'm too old ot make music.” or, “I'm getting too old to be making this type of art.” or my ego's favourite, “You haven't accomplished enough.”. It's all the same thought when you strip it down. Fear. Fear of the present moment. Fear of the truth about accomplishment and the world around us. Fear of the understanding that everything is temporary. Being a man I was raised in the mindset of a value system that taught me that my worth was tied to what I contributed financially. Culture and ego abused the beautiful instinct to provide and used it as a weapon for negative self talk. The truth is no matter what I bring to the table, no matter what I create it will eventually fade. It's meant to. It's designed to. We can't be so enamoured with the first step that we don't take the second.
My life has already been paid for. It's already been fought for. Somewhere along my ancestral line someone had to really stand their ground, fight for their very breath. I am so grateful that on the whole I haven't had to fight, in that way, for what I have. My life itself is an accomplishment. I am the result of my mothers hard work and attention. I am the result of my families love and care. I am the result of my grandmothers and great grandmothers sacrifice. I wrote a book recently about my grandmothers life. She could not have imagined in her youth what I take for granted on a day to day basis. She grew up at a time where you hid under tables as bombs dropped around you. The biggest gripe of my day is what I feel like painting on a canvas. I am blessed. SO blessed. I recognise the beauty and love that is around me. I recognise the accomplishment of my very breath. My heaven is right here, right now and I get the bliss of moulding it with my very hands. Gratitude feels too small a word for what I'm feeling but it's what I'm left with none the less. What is your heaven? Where is your heaven? Create it within yourself and watch as the world rises to meet you.
Thank you for reading.
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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