I remember always feeling heavy. I remember that walking through my day was like trekking through sludge. I remember the loneliness, the unexpressed rage and a sadness so pervasive I thought I would never be free of it. Some days I would just stay in bed and to top the whole thing off there was no support network in my life to catch me. I just fell into a dark space and kept falling. This was most of my twenties. Most didn't see it because I was so good at putting a “brave” face on it. I smiled, carried on but there was always an ache in my heart that I just couldn't seem to shift. Fast forward 10 years and I wake up to the sea. Before my fiance even opens his eyes he leans over to give me a small kiss. The dog leaps on the bed demanding to be fed and soon the house if filled with the welcome noise of a happy start to the day. Coffee, breakfast, fruit and veg, our daily game of pulling apart the BBC news to try and get to the real news underneath it, the last minute house tidy. All of it, all of it helps a deep sense of familiarity, love and peace to erupt through the centre of my life. What I have might not seem like much to some people but it's absolutely priceless to me. My life and all of it's intricacies are like a hand full of diamonds and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
How I got here was a long process and I am by no means done. My life will continue to grow and evolve into the best version of itself. I got here step by step, day by day and it began with me asking for help. I had no idea how much help I actually needed at the time but the second I reached out it came. I started to build a better inner narrative. I started to self care and self soothe in ways that were completely foreign to me. I pulled myself step by step out of the dark space and back to where I am today. The point is I didn't do it alone, I have had many families on this journey and I am creating a new one as we speak. It is also something that changes as you do. I don't always feel amazing and on top of the world but I am there mostly. I feel good mostly and now when I do go through those times in life where I start to feel insular or a little down I have the tools I need to get myself out of it. It doesn't always work straight away but I keep going until I am through the other side of it. That's what I really wanted to share with some of you who are going through a dark time today, there is another side of it. The Universe is built on the premise of balance so there is always an opposite to what you are experiencing and it's always reachable if you want it.
Your life is a tapestry that you create yourself. You have so much more power and deep magic than you know what to do with. You can reach inside yourself and use that or you stay exactly where you are. Change comes when you stand in it's space. Healing comes when you create your own net to catch you. You are not alone. People are there to help you if you are willing to really ask for it. There are not there to do it for you but they can be the vessel through which the Universe points the way. You are built out of the substance of love and the more you align with that, the more you learn to turn your attention inward and give yourself the things you deserve the more that will envelope your life. You deserve peace. You deserve the things you love. You deserve happiness and grace and compassion but it is you that has to open the door to it.
Thank you for reading,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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