( me and the bf watching the full moon rise )
Have you ever stood right into a steaming pile of it?
Me too. Every time I go off course it's because I have ignored my instinct and in doing so betrayed my integrity. Integrity is something I have learned to value more than anything in my life. It is the standard of love that I hold myself to. There have been moments when I have betrayed it unknowingly and I can feel it instantly. It's like a knot in my gut that won't budge. It's a silent voice that says “You shouldn't be doing that.” and as soon as I listen I try my best to correct it. The worst times are when I have consciously betrayed my integrity. When I have knowingly accepted something or allowed something that is unloving in my life. Thankfully, these moments are in my past now. I have learned over the years that integrity is worth more than momentary comfort or consistency. I have learned that it is easier to stand alone and in your truth than it is to stand amongst people holding daggers to your energy.
I used to allow friends and lovers to act in extremely inappropriate ways around me. Sometimes when I think about how I behaved I cringe at how placid and inviting I was to that energy. I allowed people to act violently, aggressively and in modes of extreme manipulation ( which is emotional violence ) around me and it randsacked my entire life. At a deep level I knew I was betraying myself, I knew I was cutting myself off from that deep, knowing energy at my core and it took a level of extreme betrayal for me to begin waking up. I'm not going to lie, I'm not a fast learner! I like to thoroughly absorb my lessons so I don't have to repeat them again and this is one that took it's time with me. When I finally stepped into my power and my knowledge and I was at a point where I knew I would never again question my inner knowing, my integrity and my value I was able to make changes. Relationships ended, “friendships” imploded and many people ran from my life never to be seen again. At the time it hurt, in retrospect, I'm so grateful. The people around me, the love around me and the frienships around me these days are built on something so much stronger and in the space of love.
It takes time for you to cultivate your inner strength, your integrity. You have to be willing to stand on your own. You have to be willing to let everyone and every thing fall from your life. Those who really love you won't budge, trust me on that one I've lived it. Those that are only around you to live off your energy will run and what's amazing is that new beautiful souls will enter your life and help you to reach deeper into yourself than you ever knew you could go. If you don't believe how incredible you are then I will hold that space for you until you get there. I will see the best in you until you are ready to see it in yourself. I will allow grace to flow through me and reach the parts of you ready to wake up and stand in the love that you are built from. Because you are built from it. Do not negotiate your integrity. Your life stands upon it and so does everything that you build.
Thank you for listening,
Big Love,
Ryan James