One of my favourite meme's on the internet is one that states, “Living with a creative mind is like having 284 windows open on your laptop and each one of them demanding your attention.”. It really acurately describes my relationship with the things I create. Lately I have been “called” to create even more and it's taking me on an emotional journey that I never expected or intended to go down. I have spoken many times in this blog about my passion for creating music and how that ended up in a really negative space after I tried to force my passion into a place it didn't want to go. I had young man's ambition topped with our cultures demand for young people to be successful and a whole bunch of approval based wounds. This was not a good recipe for my creative outlet. I did what I thought I needed to do which was work relentlessly and emotionally injure myself up until the tipping point that what I wanted was “definitely going to happen!”. It didn't. I worked so hard in the wrong direction for so many years that I burnt out. For a whole year, if not longer I couldn't make music, write, paint or really invest heavily in anything creative which was horrible. It took a long time for me to heal that side of myself but I did start and slowly, piece by piece, that little spark in my lit up again.
These days I paint, draw, write and do a whole bunch of other things that I creatively love but my relationship with music has never been right since that time. I have avoided seeing bands, listening to music on line or even investing in the equipment that I have. It took me a little time off to realise that my passion for music IS the goal. On holiday there was this couple singing in the hotel who's music was beautifully gorgeous. I spoke to them after their gigs and their ease with which they approached their music had a profound effect on me. I think their attitude was the missing piece that I needed. Since I've come back I've made a point of practicing the piano every night for at least half an hour and I've begun the process of brushing up on all the pieces of songs that I have half written. I am also setting up my own little studio so I can start to record some of these songs so I can share them. I used to LOVE making albums and that spark is definitely back. What's wonderful is that the music itself, the album, the creation of it is now the goal, not what happens to it afterwards. I got it so wrong for such a long time and I am so grateful that it's all falling back to where it should be in my heart.
The reason it took so long is because I had become afraid of this aspect of my creativity and I didn't want to admit it to myself. I have watched so many other artists self destruct because they had fallen prey to their own fear. They've hidden it behind indifference, elitism or even rage but it's all another word for fear. Now that I've recognised that the shift has begun and I can feel it deeply. Creativity is essesntial for well being. I have spoken to too many clients who, when pointed in a creative direction by spirit immediately try and quash that aspect of themselves. They judge their creativity against others, “not good enough.”, “I cant draw/write/bake.”. Creativity doesn't care whether you can, it cares that you invest in the process. I couldn't draw, write, paint, play music until the time when I sat down and made time to learn. It doesn't take long. 15 minutes a day is all you really need to get going and let's be honest, if you have time to read this blog then you can find 15 minutes to write a poem or doodle. Don't give into your fear. Let your creativity run wild and if you can't do that, atleast take it out for a gentle stroll now and again.
Thank you,
Big Love,
Ryan James x
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